Three years ago today. Three years ago, I first discovered my lump. I recently shared my story with Tanya West of Go With West and she is featuring it on her blog. You can find it here: http://www.tanyawest.ca/survival-stories/Katie-leadbetter/
Hi there #teamklb,
I have completed 24 of 25 days of radiation so far. I am 96% percent done and will finish tomorrow 3/16. I’m super excited to be finished with this final cancer killing step. First: poison, second: slash, and last: burn (thanks Lilani for that apt description). For the past week and a half, my skin has been IRRITATED. The physical radiation burn has my skin red and hot (no surprise there) and my underarm is really angry. No shaving for a little while, so I’ll be a bit stinky :-(.
My left breast (no cancer, no radiation in that breast) had a small red dot on it two weeks ago. I’m hyper vigilant now, so when it was still there the next morning, I called my plastic surgeon. They had me come in that day just to check. He said to me, “was it your bra?” I almost laughed. First, I don’t need to wear a bra, so why would I? For the first time in about 20 years I haven’t needed a bra, so I’m NOT wearing a bra. Second, I’m going through radiation and therefore I’m avoiding all things that would irritate my skin any further. Third, I would have thought of that, I’m not your average idiot patient. The plastic surgeon said it would be extremely unlikely for cancer to regrow in the skin of the non-cancer breast. He said to watch it and he would check on it during my regularly scheduled post radiation appointment at the end of the month. He asked for my surgeon to be available at that time as well in case they need to biopsy it (not an exciting prospect, as the initial biopsy was one of the more painful part of this whole cancer bullshit). He also suggested that I have my radiation oncologist look at it during our weekly appointment. He looked at it this week and thought it was nothing to be concerned about (it was almost gone by the time I saw him). So it appears it was just a skin lesion. Phew.
There was a woman in my Living Strong Living Well class that just recently lost her battle to lymphoma. On our first session we simply went around the room and introduced ourselves. I thought, I’m good, I’m not going to cry when say my name, my kind of cancer, and what I value about myself. I was good. Until Paulina spoke. She was fairly young, probably near 40. She said that she had lymphoma and was looking for a bone marrow transplant, but wasn’t having any luck finding someone. That’s when I remembered that I was lucky to have had Breast Cancer (sounds weird, I know) and that’s when it got me. She continued talking and mentioned that she used to be Zumba instructor. That really got me. When I was diagnosed, most people mentioned something about the fact that they couldn’t believe I had gotten Cancer because I was so healthy. Clearly Paulina was a really healthy and active person too. Cancer doesn’t discriminate. Then it was my turn and of course, the composure that I had, was gone. I quickly took my turn and through a choked up voice said that I valued my positive attitude (…irony…). We didn’t see Paulina too much through the weeks of the living strong living well classes. But she was undergoing treatment still, so people have missed classes here and there. I didn’t think too much of it. Then on Monday, our trainers informed us of her passing, and said it was a few weeks prior. That was the last time that I remember seeing her, was a few weeks ago. It hit me harder than expected, since I really didn’t know her. That night I made a donation in her name to the leukemia and lymphoma society. It got me thinking, when she signed up for this class, I’m sure she didn’t know that she would be dying part way through the class. I’m sure that, like me, she thought that this would be a good way to regain the strength that she lost during cancer treatment. I can’t imagine what those last weeks were like for her and her family. And although I don’t know her family, I’m sending healing thoughts and love their way.
This has also got me thinking about those first dark days after my diagnosis. Before I knew exactly what I was dealing with (stage, whether it had spread, how long I had to live, etc.) I had decided in my mind what I would do if the news wasn’t so great (lucky for me I got significantly better news). Many of you know of my goal to see all fifty states before I turn fifty. Well, I decided that if I was going to die soon, I was going to sell off all my stocks and cash in my investments, and Jim and I were going to road trip across the country so that I could see all fifty states before I died. Obviously we didn’t need take that plan of action. I’m very thankful for that.
I’ve been back to work for the past three weeks now, still working 50% (from 7:45-11:30 every day). It has been, well, a lot of things. 1) Great. I’ve enjoyed working again and I like my class a lot. It was supposed to be a year a challenging behaviors, but some of those kids have moved. Not going to lie: super stoked about that. I like staying busy and teaching and so that part has been really great. 2) Exhausting. I go straight from work to radiation and then come home and nearly always take a nap or rest. In hindsight, I probably should have stayed out through radiation (Jim is enjoying telling me that he told me so). My Breast Cancer friend, Liz, says that’s it’s kind of strange because even though it doesn’t seem like you’re doing much to your body when you are going through radiation, you really are. Liz is very wise. 3) Very strange. It’s kind of like I’ve been in a time warp for the past 8 1/2 months. I know the world carried on without me, but no place is it more apparent than at work. In some cases, like the garden club, it just continued right along (yay!). In other cases, like volleyball, it wasn’t going to happen if I didn’t come back right at this time. No blame or judgement, it’s just an observation and a twilight zone kind of feeling. All these things that happened while I wasn’t around and normally I am around for all of it, it just feels strange. 4) Challenging. While my long term sub did the best he could, and I appreciate him very much, he had to start the year off for me without knowing how I normally do things. In a more perfect world, a long term sub takes over the year for you when you already have your procedures and routines in place. Then the kids can help out by letting him or her know how you do things and the structures are already in place. So having to reteach all of this and sort of undo things is frustrating because I would like to be teaching. 5) Appreciated. Everyone has been so kind and caring in welcoming me back. My Braly family really is the best.
I’m still going to my Nutrition school and in the past few classes, cancer has been covered. This has me thinking about the causes of my cancer even more. Here are my main thoughts: Obviously the BRCA1 mutation puts me at a huge risk for Breast Cancer. The gene is on my fathers side of the family (he was one of 11 and there are tons of cousins, the exact number I’m not sure of). I’m the youngest grandchild on that side, so for me to be the first person to find that gene, makes me think that other lifestyle factors caused the cancer to happen so early in my life.
From 8/2013-12/2013 I was taking Hormone Replacement Therapy. (Backstory: my migraines happen much more frequently during my menstrual cycle, like everyday, so they are clearly tied to the fluctuations in my hormones, so my neurologist had me wearing a hormone patch during the week of my period for that time frame). The estrogen in the patch, estradiol, is linked to Breast cancer (straight from my lectures in school). Even though my cancer was hormone negative, I believe there is still a link.
I was also on the birth control pill for the better part of a decade. One in eight women get breast cancer in our society and how many of them have been on birth control for lengthy periods of time? If I were to have a daughter, I would not want her to take birth control ever. Wrap it up. I know, it feels different, but so does cancer. My point being that prescriptions have side effects and the FDA isn’t looking out for us. Big pharma creates a drug and then designs a study to prove its effectiveness and safety to submit to the FDA. Does that seem backwards to anyone else? I sure hope so.
Moving along. Antibiotics. How many courses of antibiotics have you been on in your lifetime? If you’re like me, it’s more than you can count. If you’re like my friend Sarah, it is one time, in her wholelife. (That really got me questioning the amount of antibiotics that I’ve been on.) I’ve been on them at least once or twice per year since I was about 18. Also, when I was 17ish I went to my dermatologist for acne. She put me on amoxicillin. I was on it for well over a year, but I think it was more than two years. I literally wiped out the colony of bacteria in my digestive system. That colony of bacteria is your first line of defense for everything. I’m not saying antibiotics caused my cancer, but I do think they contributed to my body’s inability to fight the cancer. Obviously, these are my opinions and I’m not a doctor. Duh. But my point is that I think western medicine and doctors played a large role in my cancer.
If I could go back and change my actions to avoid getting cancer, I would do it in a heartbeat. I can’t do that, but maybe I can influence you to think twice before doing some of these things too. [steps off soapbox]
Since my birthday is on Wednesday and I finish cancer treatment on Monday, I will be in a very celebratory mood this week. Just nine months ago, this is a birthday that I wasn’t sure I would get to celebrate. I’m pretty stoked that I get a thirty-second year of life. Feel free to wear pink tomorrow on the last day of radiation.
Hello Team KLB,
Welp, it’s been 8 weeks since my surgery (as of tomorrow). I can’t believe it’s been 8 weeks. The first few weeks passed slow, but the month of January has flown by. A friend from support group messaged me the day before surgery to help reassure me and to tell me that her surgery really wasn’t something that she remembers well because it really wasn’t that bad. While I couldn’t believe it then, I do believe it now. I do remember many details of my surgery, but it really wasn’t all that bad. (Thank goodness!!!!)
After reading a friend’s blog, I’m going to take my inspiration from her and do a little Q & A section.
Q: Are you bored yet? / What do you do with your time?
A: Nope. Between crafts, my dollhouse project, visits from friends, exercising, reading, nutrition schoolwork, cooking, housework, and doctors appointments/ treatments, I don’t have time to be bored.
Q: Do you miss work?
A: Not really, but a little bit. I am looking forward to the “new” teacher that I’ll be. As I’ve said before, this has completely and forever changed me, so I’m excited to see that carry over to me as a teacher.
Q: Are you going back to work this year?
A: Yes. The date has been pushed back several times, but it’s finally at a point that I feel comfortable with. Feb. 23rd I go back 50% (half days M-F) and then full time on March 16. Many people have asked why. Here’s the long story: In my teacher’s union we have a Catastrophic Leave Bank for just such occasions. You can choose to opt in and donate one of your ten days each year to the bank. (We get to bank our personal days each year.) So I had 33 of my own “sick” days to use to start the year off. After that I’ve been collecting days from the bank. This means that I’m currently not using disability and therefore am getting full pay. I don’t want to take advantage of the days from the bank and so I’m choosing to go back at the end of treatment. Hopefully that wasn’t too long/confusing!
Q: What size are you going for?
A: C cup. My coconuts were a very full D cup, and a little more than I wanted, so I’m downsizing. But this feels like a very small C cup, if that. My expanders fit 500 ccs of fluid and as of today they are full. (Yay!) So I can’t have them add any more fluid and the radiated skin won’t stretch well, so they can’t stretch it during my swap out surgery. So this is about as big as I’ll get. Not a big deal, but I’m a bit bummed.
Q: How do they fill the expanders?
A: My plastic surgeon uses a magnet to find the magnet in my expander (like a stud finder :), then marks my skin. Next, he cleans the area with iodine, then fills a syringe with saline and pokes it into the skin and then injects the fluid. He empties the syringe, unscrews the syringe, LEAVES THE NEEDLE IN, fills the syringe again, screws it back in, and then empties that syringe into my expander. Repeat on left expander. Each syringe holds 50 ccs, and I was having him do 100 ccs per doctor visit (hence the refilling of the syringe). I told Jim that this is what it feels like to be a bike tire or a basketball being inflated. I only felt a little poke for each needle and then a bit of discomfort as the skin stretches to make room for the new fluid. Overall, very painless for me.
Q: What’s your timeline like?
A: Regularly scheduled radiation starts on 2/9. 25 sessions (5 days/ week for 5 weeks). It will be finished by March 13th. Six months after radiation, I can have the swap out surgery. I’ve been told it’s easier than the original surgery, with a quicker recovery. After that (I’m guessing mid October) I’ll have nipples made. The plastic surgeon makes some cuts in the skin and sutures the skin in a way to make a protrusion. After that is finished, he can tattoo an areola on (I’m hoping mid November). Around the one year anniversary of my remission (my re birth day – 12/8) we will be having a huge celebration. Stay tuned for more details. So today was my radiation simulation. Basically they make you lay in a table for a hour and figure out exactly where they are going to radiate you. It’s long and a bit uncomfortable, but mostly uneventful. Except at the end, when they gave me two tattoos. They are very small dots, one on the right side of my rib cage (didn’t hurt), and one on my breast bone (hurt). I thought that radiation would start right after (tomorrow). WRONG! They have to review some stuff, and blah, blah, blah. It doesn’t start for two more weeks. There goes my timeline again!
Here’s an assortment of random thoughts that have crossed my mind lately. In no particular order: A friend of a friend, Melissa Galvin, a former 49ers cheerleader, just lost her battle with breast cancer. She was 34. She had breast cancer several years ago, and it had come back after being in remission. She has been on my mind a LOT lately. This is a fear that I will live with everyday.
While in Anaheim, I was able to meet Jim’s drumming buddy Justin. We had an instant bond. He has a rare heart condition and initially his odds weren’t very good. He also knows what’s it’s like to wonder if you’ll be the person that dies tragically young. Luckily, he just celebrated his 3rd rebirth day. It was really great to meet him.
Someone women choose not have reconstruction. I always knew I would do reconstruction, but for the time that I didn’t have any breasts at all, for about 3 weeks, it was so awkward. I felt the need to tell everyone everywhere I went, strangers included, that I just had a mastectomy and that’s why I looked like this. This helped me to know that immediate reconstruction was the right path for me.
A lot of hardships for my work family in 2014. I won’t to into detail here, as they are not my stories to tell, but it has been really challenging for me to deal with these sad times for others. And while this might sound crazy (I take pride in being honest and open on my blog) I’m really a little worried that there might be some sort of curse. I know, crazy, right, but it’s my fear.
Yesterday I started the Living Strong, Living Well program at the YMCA. It is a free program for cancer survivors to help regain strength, flexibility, and coordination. I was the youngest person there. Luckily, a friend from support group is doing it with me (Yay!), so I won’t have to go it alone. I’m hoping that this will help put me on the road to shedding this chemo weight. I’ve also started physical therapy on my knees for pain that I was having last spring. The knee pain has only increased with the loss of my muscle mass during chemo and after surgery.
This year I didn’t make any New Years resolutions, but I have some resolutions that I made after I was diagnosed. Basically: Live everyday to the fullest. I’m still trying to work on this one. Nothing is as shitty as hearing, “Katie, I’m so sorry to have to tell you this, but you have cancer”, so all the little stupid shit is not worth my time and energy. Also, make time for the people that are important in your life, see them, talk to them, be there for them, because our time here is too short.
Ok, that’s all folks! Thanks for all that you are Team KLB!
Hello Team KLB!
It’s been about two weeks since my surgery, so I’ll let you know how things have been going lately.
12/3 – surgery day. Waiting for surgery to happen on surgery day was the worst. Once surgery was rescheduled, I was pretty much in denial that it was happening and went along my merry way, not thinking about it AT ALL (probably not the best idea, but it was my coping mechanism of choice). Then on Monday 12/1, it started to sink in again. By Wednesday, when I woke up, I was a) thirsty as all get out and b) HUNGRY and c) ready for this to be over, but I had to wait until noon for surgery; it was going to take forever!
Once I was admitted and got all cozy in my hospital bed (NOT) the slew of nurses and doctors came through. They asked me if I was in any pain and I said hunger pain! Of course, my surgeon was running late! My plastic surgeon came by and drew all over my breasts (I still had “x’s” on my lymph nodes – from the day before) to mark where he would be making incisions. Finally, around 11:45 (I expected to be on lovely drugs by 11:30 so they could do presurgery stuff) my surgeon came by to check in, wrote on me some more and then I was finally allowed to get a relaxer drug. The rest is fuzzy. Exactly what I wanted. I semi-remember being wheeled into the OR.
Then as I’m being wheeled into the recovery room, I remember asking for water and telling them I have to pee. Little did I know that I had a catheter. After eating some ice chips in the recovery room, they wheeled me to my hospital room. We passed a male nurse that I was told would be checking on me shortly, I believe I told him hello and that I recognized him. HA! I was very drugged up, but he did look like someone I went to high school with. Jim, Jared, my mom, and Kamy were in my room! Yay! It was over. My family relayed the good the news that the preliminary results of the lymph node biopsy were negative. At the hospital they had me on morphine and norco, and I was never in much pain. Until they made me get up. Unknown to me, in the OR they put me in a stretchy tube top thing that Velcros on and off. It wasn’t velcroed and the nurse and Jim fashioned me in the tube top before I could get up. It hurt soooooo bad, as did getting up. Especially since I was not able to put any real weight on my arms or use my arms to pull me up. By the time I got up, I felt light headed and didn’t last long, so I laid back down. During the night, as I was sleeping I remember saying (to no one) “March 18, 1983”. If you’ve been to the hospital/ doctors office, you know that before they give you meds or anything at all, they scan your wrist bracelet and ask your full name and birthdate. So I was talking in my sleep as Jim can tell you I often do. Jim was in the room, but I’m not sure if heard me or not.
On Thursday, I got up a couple more times and was more successful in walking around my floor. They removed my catheter (side note here: I didn’t know that they would be working with those lady bits too and felt very unhappy without previous knowledge of this) and said I could go home once I peed. Success! I also saw both surgeons that day and they said everything went well and was looking well. My plastic surgeon said I didn’t have to wear that tube top, which was amazing news! I had been reading about bringing pillows for the car ride home, and they did make it much more comfortable. It was nice to be home and to see my doggies.
Over the past weeks, I’ve had to sleep upright on my back only or in my borrowed recliner (thanks Sarah and Kevin!!) and could only do minimal self care. The other “fun” part was the drains that you have to wear until your drainage is minimal. These help you to heal, but are annoying. They had to be emptied several times per day and I wore in a special tank top that had pockets to hold them. Yesterday (12/15) at my dr. appointment, he took the drains out. YAY!!! The right one didn’t hurt at all, the left one only hurt a little. My mom said it reminded her of when she had tendon surgery on her foot and they put a pin to hold it in place (it remained for about 6-8 weeks). When they took it out, Kamy said, “wow! that’s much longer than I thought!”. It was much longer than I thought too. I was glad to be able to take a shower yesterday!! I’m finally off of pain meds – only taking tylenol as needed and so far, I’m pretty good. The worst side effect of norco is constipation. I happen to be a very regular girl, so this has been very unpleasant. I’m starting to return to my normal self. ;0
Yesterday, during a post op appointment with my plastic surgeon, he did not fill my expanders. 🙁 He also didn’t fill them during surgery because my skin was seeming too sensitive and irritated. Because he removed the drains, he didn’t want to poke and prod me any more by filling my expanders (even though I said I was fine since the drain removal process wasn’t bad). So I continue to be a member of the ity bity titty committee, at least for another week or so (my first appointment for expansion is on next monday). I now know what it is like for the other half and can sympathize with your struggle. My clothes do not fit like I’m used to and so far, I’m not a fan. They will fill the expanders to 500 ccs of saline in either 100 cc or 50 cc increments. My plastic surgeon said for some women it’s too uncomfortable to fill 100 ccs, so 50 is the better option. Thus, it will either take 5 or 10 weeks to fill the expanders and they won’t start radiation until after they have been fully expanded. At this point he said I can begin to resume my normal activities as I feel I’m able to and that I can start to lift things that are between 5-10 pounds.
I think most of you heard my good news on Facebook, but last Monday 12/8/14, my surgeon called and asked if I wanted to hear some good news, no great news. He informed me that the lymph nodes were clear and no cancer was found. This means that the chemo was successful in killing the tumors and there wasn’t anything else lurking around. He said this was the best possible result. So as of 12/8/14 I am in remission. FUCK YES! We are all beyond excited and it’s still surreal. Christmas came early for me this year :). I saw my oncologist yesterday and he said he will continue to monitor me and see me every three months for the next five years.
Amy said I needed a new hashtag – not #cancerbabeshappydays since I no longer had cancer, she suggested #cancerfreekatiemarie and #cancerfreeklb. I love both but wanted to add the word happy in there as a nod to my earlier project #100happydays and #cancerbabeshappydays so I decided on #cancerfreehappyklb. And apparently there are some tattoos in the works for some family members to commemorate that date/my kicking cancers ass. I feel pretty honored.
As always, thanks for the flowers, meals, walking buddies, emails, calls, texts, FB messages, cards, prayers, and good energy. I love you #teamklb!
On the night before surgery, I figured this would be an appropriate way to say goodbye to my breasts (it’s meant to be a bit funny and a bit sentimental). So here goes…
Entered into Eternal Life: 2014
Katie’s Coconuts made their debut early on in her life and while they sometimes made her feel self-conscious, she never had to worry about being able to fill out a bra. In middle school, because of their mere existence, they helped her to get the nickname, Katie Coconuts. Their fondest memory was sunbathing topless on the beaches in Nice, France with Sara and Sarah in 2007. They will be remembered for helping Katie to feel like she never wanted implants (oh the irony!), never needing a push-up bra or those chicken cutlets, and for fighting off those cancer cells as long as they could. They enjoyed dancing, swimming, and hiking. They are survived by: the rest of Katie’s mind, body, and spirit. They will be missed by men, lesbians, and bisexuals, everywhere.
Okay, all joking aside, I think it’s important to say goodbye to a part of yourself that you’re never going to have again. When I was first diagnosed, my feelings towards my breasts were hatred, anger, resentment. But now my feelings have grown to love and appreciation. I think it’s more healthy to have these feelings, because I don’t want to be consumed by hate, anger, or resentment.
A couple of last minute things: My surgery is at noon tomorrow (please send pink healing thoughts at 11:30, so that I will get all your good mojo right as I need it most!). It’s about a 4-6 hour surgery. Jim will use my facebook account to post an update when I’m out of surgery. Feel free to wear some pink and post a picture on my wall. I will enjoy seeing all of your love and well wishes once I am recovering.
As always, thanks for all your love and support. It means so much to me and it’s easier for me to stay positive with the help you all provide me.
For those of you that haven’t heard, my surgeon is out stick, so my surgery has to be rescheduled. Unfortunately, the first available date for my surgeon, plastic surgeon, and El Camino Hospital is 12/3 – two weeks later. While I want my surgeon to be healthy for my surgery, I just wish it didn’t have to be delayed so long. It’s also challenging because I was just getting into the right frame of mind for surgery and was feeling excited to have it and get it over with so that I can start moving on. My other biggest disappointment = on Dec 5th and 6th is the Santa Clara Historic Homes tour. Every year Jared and I ride our bikes from house to house. It is seriously one of my MOST FAVORITE days of the year. AND the house I have been coveting for 12 years is finally going to be on the tour. Wah!!!!! But enough complaining, here are a couple of positive outcomes: I get to put up my own Christmas decorations (thanks for your offers of help, but I really LOVE to put up the decorations), I have more time to practice my Prepare for Surgery, Heal Faster meditation, I will be able to work on some school work/ nutrition client work, I will have more time to exercise/ work on this chemo weight, and maybe I’ll work on my dollhouse. Oh and since everything got rescheduled, I made a new goggle doc for meals and walking buddies. If you already scheduled yourself, please check your calendar and update this one.
As always, thanks for all of your love and support. It takes a village to fight cancer and I’m glad you’re in my village.
Hi Team KLB!
The end of chemo came and went and I am enjoying my time before surgery. The cupcakes and cocktails was awesome! Thanks to those of you that joined us! Overall, I’m feeling pretty good, but I’m still more tired than normal, I still have neuropathy in my fingers and toes, my muscles are still weak. My hair is starting to grow back, it’s quite fuzzy on my head :-). Some of you may have seen that we were able to take a trip to Pittsburgh to attend a friend’s wedding. We had a great time. I’m glad we finally got to have a bit of fun!
Mini-rant here: apparently the TSA thinks a head scarf = terrorist, because I got extra searched after going through the x-Ray scanner. Jim was about to lose his shit. Luckily it was quick. It was just me that they “randomly” searched both ways. I have never been randomly searched before. We didn’t let that ruin our trip, but it was ridiculous. They obviously have never had cancer because I don’t have time to plot an elaborate terrorist plan using my head scarf, I have healing and living to do. Terrorism isn’t on my agenda. Duh!
I went to visit my students today during our VIP reading week. I was a guest reader. They were very excited- I was like celebrity 🙂 We still have a few fight shirts left- if you still want one, let me know. $15 each. Men’s shirts run true to size, women’s shirts run small. Here’s a list of what’s available: MENS: one medium, two large, one x-large, two xx-large. WOMENS: one small, two large, one xx-large.
My surgery is scheduled for next Thursday 11/20. As of now, I’m nervous, but I’m sure I will be. I hope to deal with the emotions of it when it’s actually happening/ happened. I have made a google doc for meals mad walking buddies and Christmas decorations help- if that’s your thing, you’d enjoy it more than Jim will (I love to decorate for Christmas and would be really sad if there weren’t any decorations up this year.) Please remember that we are gluten free. In general we eat paleo, which for us means: limited grains and dairy, but as long as it is gluten free, I’m happy. (Beggars can’t be choosers.) As always, thanks again for your continued love and support. You’re awesome.
Okay folks, here you have it. The week I’m feeling like shit and hating everything, it’s only fitting that I complain a bit. This is not because I want a pity party, but just need to vent. I’m fully aware that this too shall pass and in general I like to think that I’m not a huge complainer (we all have our moments) but this time I’m going big. I thought I might put them in order from worst to least bad, but that would be really challenging, especially since there would likely be a five way tie for first place. I know I’ll get through this last week of feeling like crap, but…
– Diarrhea. Period.
– This damn BRCA mutation and anyone in my family that might also have it.
– Rashes because of having to have a picc line. Rashes that are like 50 whiteheads oozing. Then the nurse saying that “it’s not that disgusting”. Wait, if this was your arm with this nasty rash, how would you feel, nurse?
– CANCER CANCER CANCER. Period.
– Hot flashes.
– Having to have a Picc line and therefore having to take “bottom half” baths.
– The fear of being plagued by this cancer bullshit for the rest of my life.
– Jackasses on the road (I know, not cancer related, but these bay area roads are getting out of control).
– And traffic while we’re at it.
– Having to cancel TWO vacations this year due to cancer bullshit (Aruba in June and our Post Chemo, Pre Surgery trip to Cabo that was supposed to happen next week).
– Chemo being delayed by a week.
– When the doctor and nurse saw my lowered liver enzyme levels, (after chemo was delayed) and they wondering what could have lowered them. I said that I ate well (clean, healthy protein, cruciferous veggies, beets, etc.), drank lots of water, and limited my sugar and they said that can’t be it. But never offered another reasonable explanation. Fury level reached maximum. Well, Doc, if you’re not able to explain it, then I guess I’m right. Food does impact how our bodies and organs perform. Sorry Doc. I’m right.
– My lack of control over everything breast cancer.
– When I ask the Doc “what can I do?”, and the Doc says “just eat normally”. BAD doctors. At least tell people to eat more fruits and veggies and get some exercise. Would that be so hard? There’s no way it could hurt.
– Chemo brain and chemo weight gain.
– Radiation, which I apparently will need to have for five weeks. Bah.
– Adrymicin and the infiltration (aka chemical burn to my forearm) that gets re-aggravated with each chemo session. My arm not being able to heal because of chemo.
– My bald head getting cold now that it’s cooling down.
– Not being able to sleep while on the ‘roids.
– Hearing on multiple occasions, “you’re too young to have cancer”. Umm, Clearly not. Don’t make statements like that. *Especially*, if you’re a doctor.
– When things don’t go according to my “plan”. Aka chemo infiltration, picc line having to be put in, plans changing, etc. I have so little that is under my control, when things don’t go as planned, I’m even less flexible than normal.
– When I’m feeling like crap and people saying something like “you’re so strong” instead of “that sucks” or “I’m sorry”. Sometimes people just want to have their feelings validated and there isn’t a need to cheer a person up. Just listen. Feelings aren’t always positive and it’s okay to acknowledge them with out trying to cheer the person up. It can invalidate very real feelings by just saying, “you’ll just fine”. [that may have sounded harsh or mean, but a) this is for rants and raves b) they are my feelings and I’m entitled to all of them, good and bad]. This is something that we talk about at support group and something that I needed to learn too.
Well, I feel like I’ve gotten everything off my chest. (Haha, joke!) Surgery has been scheduled for November 20th at El Camino Hospital. I’ll spend one-two nights in the hospital and then be home recovering. I hope I’ll get to enjoy some thanksgiving goodies.
On the eve before my LAST CHEMO!!!!!, I thought I’d update everyone as to what’s going in the world of Breast Cancer. (I’m trying not to be too excited just in case my blood work doesn’t come back with good levels, but it’s hard to not be extremely excited.) We did a “it’s the night before my last chemo” dance and it felt great!! I have felt the best that I’ve felt throughout chemo during this last round (well the last 10 days of it). I attribute that to clean eating (good protein, lots of fruits and veggies, seeds, and limited dairy, carbs, and sugar) and LOTS of water. I recently read Your Body’s Many Cries for Water and decided I needed to up my game. As always, feel free to wear some pink tomorrow and shoot me a selfie (I will be compiling these eventually). I’ve got some *special pink* for tomorrow that I will post as usual.
Still planning on doing my rants and raves post because I have PLENTY to complain about, but I’ll save that for next week when I feel like a$$ and need to vent/complain/have a pity party. Stayed tuned! It should mostly make you laugh 🙂
So long as chemo goes as planned tomorrow, here’s what I’m looking at:
~ PICC line out TOMORROW! (another happy dance is needed for this)
~ A Cupcakes and Cocktails party on the last day of this cycle to celebrate the official end of chemo. I’m not going to be in full blown celebration tomorrow, because I still have to endure the round of chemo (actually getting the chemo infusion doesn’t hurt and it doesn’t set in until a few days in). But I will be in full blown celebration mode at the end of the round. Once chemo happens tomorrow, I’ll post an evite to this page. Again, STAY TUNED. And please RSVP, you know I’m anal about these things, plus I want to make sure there are enough cupcakes. 🙂 CUPCAKES!!!
~ Mastectomy and reconstruction! Still waiting on an exact date but we’re looking at the week before Thanksgiving. After both the appointment with the surgeon and the appointment with the plastic surgeon, I’m not sure why, but I felt very excited. Probably because I can see the end nearing. I’m sure I’ll be freaked out on the days leading up to surgery, but for now I’ll enjoy the feeling of excitement (hasn’t been a common feeling since May-ish, so it’s nice).
~ Recovery takes about 8 weeks and I can’t lift things over 5 pounds for the first few weeks, so if you’re willing and able, trips to the grocery store, pet food store, water store, and meals would be super helpful. I’ll post a google calendar to this page soon. Visitors and walking buddies will still be much appreciated during recovery too. They’ll be filling my expanders once each week during this time to slowly stretch the skin for the implants.
~ In January-ish – Five weeks of radiation (five days each week). Not really looking forward to this, since I didn’t think I needed it initially and therefore it’s not a part of “my plan”. But I know the side effects are less than those for chemo – mostly fatigue. After surgery & radiation I might have to fly with a compression sleeve on my right arm (because they are removing lymph nodes) to avoid permanent lymphedema (swelling of the arm). I’m not sure if I’ll be back to work during this time or not. Many people have said the fatigue is too much, so we’ll see.
~ Six months after the end of radiation I can have my expanders swapped out for implants. After that, I can have a out patient surgery to make nipples and then a final out-patient surgery to have areola tattooed on. All of this will be done by the plastic surgeon. He also said that everything related to my breasts will be covered by insurance for the rest of my life – federal law. That was awesome news. We have also met our yearly out of pocket for insurance. That was awesome news too.
Well, that’s about it. Thanks for being the most amazing people that you are. You effing rock, I love you.
Well it’s been a while since my last post. All is well. In going to my support groups, I’ve been thinking about what I’ve learned since all of this began just three month ago. There are things that I’m grateful for and things that really piss me off. Today, I’ll post about the things cancer has taught me, and I’ll save my rants and raves for another post.
1. When someone you care about gets diagnosed with something (anything), it’s hard to know what to say. For me, I know I would probably cry if I talk with someone about their scary diagnosis, so I know I’ve avoided it in the past. BAD KATIE! I now know that whatever I do/say, I need to do/say something. Whether it is a call, a card, a text, an email, it doesn’t matter, just doing something to show that I care is what matters. Since my diagnosis, so many people have reached out to me (some that I’m close to, some that I’m not close to – even the checker at whole foods gave me a hug!!) and I have learned that people just want to know that others are rooting for them in their time of need. Obviously, I have the best team ever, because I am constantly reminded of this. This was lesson number one and a lesson I needed to learn.
2. Don’t take a single moment for granted. While I know that I am going to be cancer free very soon and I am going to live a long and healthy life, hearing “it’s cancer” makes you think about your mortality. After one of my first doctors appointments, I had dinner with friends and family because I wanted to spend as much time as I have with people that are important to me. I remembering telling Jim, “Life is for living” which to means that I’d like to spend as much time as I can doing the things I love and spending time with the people I love.
3. Everything is normal, until it’s not. That was on a billboard about strokes that I used to pass on my way to/from Bauman College. For the first few weeks after my diagnosis, that saying came back to me many times because it definitely suited the situation. I feel like, at times, I took my health for granted, and once I was no longer healthy I wished that I had been better to myself (eating, sleeping, exercise, etc.).
4. Get off my butt and exercise! I know that I am totally guilty of complaining about not wanting to workout or exercise after a long day of work or just because I’m feeling lazy. But now that my ability to exercise has been very limited, I wish so badly that I could go for a run, bike ride, hike, or swim. Looking into the future, when I feel like skipping out on my exercise, I’m going to remember this time and make myself do it. PLUS, exercise is super important in disease prevention/reduction of symptoms.
5. It’s okay to cry. Whenever. For whatever reason(s).
6. The people that are most important in my life are the people that have been supportive through my time of need. People that haven’t been supportive, aren’t people that I need in my life. True colors….
7. Dogs are awesome. Jax, Zoe, Izzi, and Pismo have been the BEST company to have with me each day. If you don’t have a dog, I highly recommend reconsidering that decision. 🙂
8. Being more grateful. I started my #100happydays project to help me with being more grateful for the good things in my life and the timing for the project couldn’t have been more appropriate. It has now become my #cancerbabeshappydays project and it has helped me to realize that being grateful and appreciating the good things is really valuable. (If you’re not on FB/IG, I try to post a picture of something that has made me happy each day and I include the hashtag #cancerbabeshappydays.)
9. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s also okay to be weak and vulnerable. It’s all a part of life. We’re in this together.
10. I have the best team. I know that I’ve said this before, but I really mean it, and it comes straight from the heart. You all are **AMAZING**. Thank you. I love you.
Well… that’s it. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to say that I’m grateful for cancer, because well, then I’d be a masochist. And I’m not a fan of the “everything happens for a reason” or the “it’s part of god’s plan” BS either (I’m agnostic). But I am grateful for the person that I’m becoming because of it. I have learned a lot and I know I will continue to do so.