Okay folks, here you have it. The week I’m feeling like shit and hating everything, it’s only fitting that I complain a bit. This is not because I want a pity party, but just need to vent. I’m fully aware that this too shall pass and in general I like to think that I’m not a huge complainer (we all have our moments) but this time I’m going big. I thought I might put them in order from worst to least bad, but that would be really challenging, especially since there would likely be a five way tie for first place. I know I’ll get through this last week of feeling like crap, but…
– Diarrhea. Period.
– This damn BRCA mutation and anyone in my family that might also have it.
– Rashes because of having to have a picc line. Rashes that are like 50 whiteheads oozing. Then the nurse saying that “it’s not that disgusting”. Wait, if this was your arm with this nasty rash, how would you feel, nurse?
– CANCER CANCER CANCER. Period.
– Hot flashes.
– Having to have a Picc line and therefore having to take “bottom half” baths.
– The fear of being plagued by this cancer bullshit for the rest of my life.
– Jackasses on the road (I know, not cancer related, but these bay area roads are getting out of control).
– And traffic while we’re at it.
– Having to cancel TWO vacations this year due to cancer bullshit (Aruba in June and our Post Chemo, Pre Surgery trip to Cabo that was supposed to happen next week).
– Chemo being delayed by a week.
– When the doctor and nurse saw my lowered liver enzyme levels, (after chemo was delayed) and they wondering what could have lowered them. I said that I ate well (clean, healthy protein, cruciferous veggies, beets, etc.), drank lots of water, and limited my sugar and they said that can’t be it. But never offered another reasonable explanation. Fury level reached maximum. Well, Doc, if you’re not able to explain it, then I guess I’m right. Food does impact how our bodies and organs perform. Sorry Doc. I’m right.
– My lack of control over everything breast cancer.
– When I ask the Doc “what can I do?”, and the Doc says “just eat normally”. BAD doctors. At least tell people to eat more fruits and veggies and get some exercise. Would that be so hard? There’s no way it could hurt.
– Chemo brain and chemo weight gain.
– Radiation, which I apparently will need to have for five weeks. Bah.
– Adrymicin and the infiltration (aka chemical burn to my forearm) that gets re-aggravated with each chemo session. My arm not being able to heal because of chemo.
– My bald head getting cold now that it’s cooling down.
– Not being able to sleep while on the ‘roids.
– Hearing on multiple occasions, “you’re too young to have cancer”. Umm, Clearly not. Don’t make statements like that. *Especially*, if you’re a doctor.
– When things don’t go according to my “plan”. Aka chemo infiltration, picc line having to be put in, plans changing, etc. I have so little that is under my control, when things don’t go as planned, I’m even less flexible than normal.
– When I’m feeling like crap and people saying something like “you’re so strong” instead of “that sucks” or “I’m sorry”. Sometimes people just want to have their feelings validated and there isn’t a need to cheer a person up. Just listen. Feelings aren’t always positive and it’s okay to acknowledge them with out trying to cheer the person up. It can invalidate very real feelings by just saying, “you’ll just fine”. [that may have sounded harsh or mean, but a) this is for rants and raves b) they are my feelings and I’m entitled to all of them, good and bad]. This is something that we talk about at support group and something that I needed to learn too.
Well, I feel like I’ve gotten everything off my chest. (Haha, joke!) Surgery has been scheduled for November 20th at El Camino Hospital. I’ll spend one-two nights in the hospital and then be home recovering. I hope I’ll get to enjoy some thanksgiving goodies.